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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23388970">CRACK CRACK CRACK</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/InactiveAccount_nipan/pseuds/InactiveAccount_nipan'>InactiveAccount_nipan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Apex Legends (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comedy, Crack, Mega Crack, Not to be taken seriously in any way, and i was high on sugar and started to tease her, bad grammar, dumbest shit but also funniest, etc - Freeform, just for fun, legit was just teasing, to my friends wip fanfic, very late night where i was given edit access</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:40:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,663</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23388970</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/InactiveAccount_nipan/pseuds/InactiveAccount_nipan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>All the legends (but lifeline) critique octane's porn making abilities.</p><p>Or in other words, Octane leaks my friend's sex tape.</p><p>(Friend's comments are in brackets like so)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Caustic | Alexander Nox/Reader, Crypto | Park Tae Joon/Mirage | Elliott Witt, Crypto | Park Tae Joon/Octane | Octavio Silva</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>CRACK CRACK CRACK</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is not to be taken seriously it's just a crack shit thing I started with my friend lol. This is completely humorous and not meant to be taken seriously in ANY way.</p><p>Farts, penis jokes, caustic is stupid (i love him but my friend adores him and since I was teasing her I bullied caustic mostly)</p><p>Um... Enjoy this shit?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“OHHH YEAH!” Caustic moaned, sounding a lot like the kool-aid guy as he rolled his hips against your ass. “Its GREAT!” He cried as he came, sounding a lot like the frosted flakes tiger. No please he sounds sexy !” You begged, Crypto raised a brow at you. “You sure about that?” He asked, Octane leaning in with the video camera “HA! GOT EM!”</p><p> </p><p>“NO!” You cried, trying to snatch the camera from the junkie, Octane dancing just out of reach as he returned to Crypto’s lap, hand stroking the hacker’s cock that was thicker than caustic’s,</p><p> </p><p><strong>(ITS NOT THICCER)</strong> (</p><p> </p><p>rewatching the video. You could hear the sounds of you and caustic moaning. “Sorry Amiga, he sounds like kool-aid man,” The spaniard announced, Crypto shaking his head. “No sounds more like Tony the Tiger from those old 1990s commercials.” He argued. You glared at them both, unable to do much so long as Caustic’s heavier weight pinned you to the bed. “Mm,” Crypto hummed, his own hand covering Octane’s to guide him along the synthetic length. He motioned with a finger. “Come here kitten.” Immediately caustic bounded off the bed onto all fours, leaving you feeling achingly empty as the scientist crawled over to Crypto’s feet, resting his chin on the hacker’s knee. Octane grunted in displeasure now that Crypto’s attention was no longer on him, the junkie rolling his eyes when Caustic began to purr. Crypto stroked the fluffy cat ears the older legend was wearing, and from the way caustic happily riggled you could see the puffy tail butt plug wagging back and forth.</p><p> </p><p>“This is gonna get a lot of views, Amiga!” Octane suddenly announced, posting the video and tossing you his phone. It was titled DOES HE SOUND LIKE KOOL AID OR FROSTED FLAKES TIGER?</p><p> </p><p>(NO HE DOSNT!!)</p><p> </p><p>“TITLE OF YOUR NEXT SEX TAPE AMIGA!”  Octane whooped, jumping out of Crypto’s lap. “Should I take my turn now or are you going to take Caustic again for more content we can sell?”</p><p> </p><p>(NOOO)</p><p> </p><p>“You know the rules, amiga,” the adrenaline junkie shrugged, looking pointedly at the mess of cum on your ass, cunt and thighs. “You give us content and you get to have Caustic’s dick. That’s your currency.” He snickered in amusement as Caustic looked back at you, an offended look in those green eyes. “If you don’t want Caustic anymore I understand,” Octane continued, “He’s getting up there in age. Can’t fuck as hard.”(ITS BETTER WITH AGE :( It was Crypto that spoke up again, amusement filtering into his smug tone. “You sure about that?” He questioned, lazily stroking himself as he pet Caustic’s head with his free hand. “It’s entirely your choice, K.” The hacker added, but there was something in the older legend’s words that had a feeling of trepidation rise up in you. “We can always get Revenant for you. You can ride his vibrating knot dick or whatever he calls it while we wait for Caustic to get it up. Or I can stick him with some stim if you like.” The daredevil added, pulling a stim out of god knows where to present it to you.</p><p> </p><p>(Do it)</p><p> </p><p>Octane raised a brow, grin spreading over his face to reveal his chipped tooth before he turned back towards Caustic, the scientist’s eyes blown wide in terror. “NO” Caustic pleaded, trying to pull away though Crypto was fast enough to catch hold of his hair. Funny thing the scientist was afraid of needles. Octane wasted no time to stick it in the other legend’s buttcheek. Caustic whined pitifully, shaking slightly as the stim overtook him and put all his senses into overdrive. Within moments he was back pinning you into the bed and railing you so hard it was comparable only to being hit by the World’s Edge Train. It was so hot, until he started talking like the cool aid guy again. “Do you think his cum tastes like frosted flake milk? You know when you eat all the flakes and it’s just the flavoured shit left?” Octane questioned, Crypto rolling his eyes. “He’s older it’s probably just bitter.”</p><p> </p><p>You couldn’t focus on anything else except for the tic tac peepee <em>(</em> <em> NO ITS BIG!!!) </em>that was thrusting in and out of you so fast it took your breath away. Unfortunately Caustic experienced a heart attack that had him rolling onto his back with a groan, overloaded from the stim in his system. “That’s not good for the camera,” Octane mused, pointing at you. “Get up there and finish. We’ll fix him up once you do that.”(NO HE CANT BE DEAD) “Get up there and finish, then we’ll find out! God amiga!” Octane threw his hands up in exasperation. “You know our motto,” Crypto piped up, “Finish before medical care!”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey!” Octane snapped his fingers at you. “Longer you leave him there the more likely he’s gonna die.”</p><p> </p><p>(FINE)</p><p> </p><p>A few moments passed while you took wayyy too long to decide what to do. Caustic coughed and sputtered a few seconds longer before passing from that world, a betrayed look in his eyes as he looked at you for the last time, face blue with lack of oxygen.</p><p> </p><p>“Oy,” Octane huffed, pinching his brow for a moment. “Gib!” He shouted, the door opening to admit the other legend. “Take it out of here and bring in one of the spare clones,” the runner ordered, Gibraltar effortlessly tossing the deceased caustic over his shoulder to dump him down the recycle shoot. “Be back in a second sista!” Gibraltar announced cheerily, leaning closer to give you a wink. “Maybe finger yourself a bit to keep yourself ready for the next one!” With that the cheerful giant left the room.</p><p> </p><p>(<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYpx8oDMQBU"> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYpx8oDMQBU </a> )</p><p> </p><p>“Until you actually give us good content, yes another one.” Octane answered, Crypto looking quite bored from where he was sitting. The wait was somewhat long, up until the point where Octane started blasting a song with the only lyric you could remember being “you spin my head right round baby right round” all the while whipping his dick around like a helicopter blade. To be honest that’s probably why you remembered that one specific part of the song. Just with the visual reminder. Finally Gibraltar came back with a caustic clone. “Here ya are! Fresh batch!” Gibraltar announced heartily. The caustic stood there looking quite confused, skin still slick with the gel from the substitute womb he and his brothers were grown in.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh fuck we got a dumb one.” Octane sighed, poking at the limp dick. “Might need some of that Viagra boss,” the junkie told Crypto, the hacker rolling his eyes. “So long as it goes in I don’t care if he’s hard or not. He’s come with his own lube so just help him start and I’m sure instinct will take over.” The dark-haired legend responded. “Dumb or not instinct should still be there.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh, fiiiiine,” Octane huffed, grabbing the larger legend’s wrist and dragging him over to where you were still on the bed. “Whatever position you want amiga get into it fast.”</p><p> </p><p>(alright  *gets on all fours*)</p><p> </p><p>“How repetitive,” Octane sighed before pushing the clone towards the bed, the caustic grunting as he climbed into it, still looking quite confused even as the adrenaline junkie fought to get him into the wanted position. However the moment Octane guided the tiny peepee to your cunt realization lit up the clone’s face and it began to fuck like a crazed dog in heat. “Best first thing to do after birth amirite?” Octane questioned while he videotaped, taking some nice close ups. “It seems rather forced,” A familiar voice sounded, startling everyone in the room as you collectively looked up to see Wraith crouched on a beam above, chin resting on a fist as she spectated the activity in the room. “I swear the more clones you produce the more artificial this gets.” </p><p> </p><p>Crypto glared, unhappy that Wraith was barging in on his business again. “As if you could know?” He demanded. The interdimensional skirmisher dropped down from the beam, pausing to hold her arms out so Wattson could land safely in them. Setting Wattson down Wraith turned back towards the hacker and planted a hand on her hip. “Bet I could peg K better than any of you could fuck her.” She announced, Wattson giggling. “Anything better than that <em> petit pénis! </em>” She added, holding her fingers apart to emphasize her point. “Silencio!” Octane ordered as he walked around the bed for a better angle. “You’re ruining the audio!”</p><p> </p><p>“Like he’s making any noise?” Wraith questioned. “Park here makes more noise than it does!”</p><p> </p><p>Wattson nodded along. “It’s true!” She piped up, Octane turning to look at Crypto in confused surprise.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah he fucks more than just your hand, Tav.” Wraith snorted, looking back over at you. “Can you even feel anything?”</p><p> </p><p>(”YES I DO HIS DICK IS BIG YOU ALL ARE JUST MEAN” i said through moans)</p><p> </p><p>Wattson grimaced. “I think you broke K.” She stated, leaning in for a closer look. Wraith nodded in agreement. “Yeah on second thought her ass and cunt must just be super small so it feels bigger. Shouldn’t peg her then because that wouldn’t end well I don’t think.”</p><p> </p><p>Octane’s head poked up from the other side of the bed where he was taking a close up of caustic’s tic tac disappearing into you. “We chose her precisely for the reason that it feels like a big dick for her! That and she was surprisingly horny for Caustic so it was an easy deal.” The daredevil revealed, eyebrows wriggling as he grinned. Wraith coughed to cover her laugh, everyone’s attention captured by the sound of someone knocking at the door. “I’ll get it!” Wattson chirped happily, skipping over to open it. “Uh, Mr Elliott why are you naked?” The blonde woman questioned. “I sleep like this! And who <em> doesn’t </em> wanna look at some of this?”</p><p> </p><p>Wattson giggled and opened the door wider to let the engineer in. Elliott took one look around the room and laughed. “Fuck, K do you even feel anything?” He asked, Wraith rolling her eyes. “We already asked that.” She answered as Elliott walked over to Crypto and kicked his legs apart a little more before kneeling and taking him into his mouth. The hacker made no objection though he seemed somewhat uncomfortable with the audience, especially when octane moved closer with the camera to start taping him. “Stop that!” Crypto snapped, hitting it out of the junkie’s hands. “AMIGO THAT WAS BRAND NEW!” The smaller legend complained, Crypto rolling his eyes as TOD emerged to continue recording Caustic fucking you. He’d already come several times, though it was hard to tell because his dick could only give a little bit of cum due to it’s size.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you the FNG?” Bangalore demanded as she flung the door open. “K if you want a real experience then you can ask me to peg you any time. Ain’t gonna get nowhere with that p2020.” The soldier stated, tone firm.</p><p> </p><p>“By the allfather.” Bloodhound gasped from over her shoulder, shaking their head in what seemed to be disappointment. “Fornication is a shameful sin.” They pulled a bible from their belt, though the title was scratched out and “ALLFATHERS LAWS” was messily scrawled in its place. The tracker stepped up beside where you and caustic were fucking, opening the book. “We shall surpass your vows since you already seem very dedicated to one another,” Bloodhound announced, pausing for a moment. “I admire you for not hurting his feelings and pretending his dick is bigger than it is. Now!” The hunter’s gloved finger ran along the page as the read aloud from the bib-ALLFATHERS LAWS. “And therein the marriage bed should remain <b> <em>undefiled</em> </b> until one has been married!” Bloodhound shook their head as the pulled a skin of water from their belt throwing it over you and caustic. “MAY THIS HOLY WATER CLEANSE YOU!”</p><p> </p><p>The hunter shut the book with a loud thunk, shaking their head again. “By the power invested in me by the Allfather, you are now husband and bride. I would say you may kiss but in your position I do not think that is possible, so you may continue fucking.”</p><p> </p><p>Bloodhound turned on their heel and noticed Elliott still servicing Crypto, the hacker sinking down in the seat as Bloodhound took one big step towards him and thwacked Elliott over the head with the ALLFATHERS LAWS, the younger legend choking on Crypto as he pulled off, coughing and gagging. “What the fuck, Hound??” Elliott complained, rubbing his head as Bloodhound opened the ALLFATHERS LAWS again. “I am too tired to repeat the service, so I shall just-” the paused to grab a pen and scratch something out of the book and replace it with ‘gay marriage is blessed above all others by the allfather fuck this book i need one of my tribes manuscripts’ and then continued. “This union shall be blessed by the allfather, and it shall be fruitful since you have already partaken of the harvest,” Bloodhound looked pointedly between Elliott and the hacker’s glistening dick. “By the power invested in me by the allfather, I pronounce you officially married. You may continue on.” With that the hunter took another quick look around the room before vanishing, a disappointed air left in their wake.</p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately in the tense silence that followed, a loud fart was heard! Caustic had started farting loudly and endlessly, though it only seemed to serve as a sort of rocket booster for when he thrust inwards. All of the legends were making disgusted sounds as they covered their faces, Wraith vanishing into the void and dragging wattson with her.</p><p> </p><p>“SMOKE OUT!” Bangalore shot a round of smoke into the room out of instinct, as if that would help. All it did was make it impossible to see, though Caustic’s nox farts made your eyes burn anyways so there was not much of a difference.</p><p> </p><p>“RAPIDO!” Octane threw a jumppad just as he stuck himself with a stim, bouncing off of it and out the window with a crash, TOD racing after him as if he too were affected.</p><p> </p><p>“HI FRIENDS!” Pathfinder shouted as he grappled through the opening the left, Revenant climbing up after him. “I hope we didn’t scare you!” The cheery robot announced, looking at the way crypto and bangalore were coughing and covering their mouth and noses with their hands. “Oh! This is another of Caustic’s games!” The robot announced, dropping onto all fours and making exaggerated coughing sounds though he could not smell or be affected in any way by the farts. Revenant looked incredibly unimpressed, clawed fingers tapping at the steel of his upper arm from where they were crossed over his chest. “Skinsuits are utterly disgusting,” the simulacrum growled out, looking at you moaning pathetically beneath caustic. “Do you even feel anything or are you just pretending to like this heap of scrap metal acts like nox gas effects him?” Revenant pointed down at Pathfinder, the robot crawling over to the broken window to drop down from the 40th floor.</p><p> </p><p>“I HAVE BEEN DOWNED!” Pathfinder shouted up from where he’d fallen, Revenant sighing loudly in exasperation. “Skinsuits need to be wiped from existence.” He mumbled, glaring at crypto. “Yes even half-Skinsuits.” Revenant turned on his heel with that, leaving out the window and climbing upwards before reappearing going in the opposite direction. “Forgot hot air rises,” he snarled, vanishing from sight soon enough. Bangalore made a hasty evac out the door, Crypto following not far behind, leaving you with just Caustic. Though he eventually also died of a heart attack because he was too dumb to know when to stop. And you pinned under his weight until the gas lifted and toxic levels were safe enough for Octane to free you.</p><p> </p><p>THE END</p>
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